


springtime's bliss aches like a sweet craving.

by 1ncognito



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Arranged Marriage, Confused kisses, Eventual Smut, F/M, Genderbending, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Kim Seungmin in Denial, Kim Seungmin is Bad at Feelings, Kim Seungmin is Whipped, Kim Seungmin is a female, Kim Seungmin is heartbroken, Lee Minho | Lee Know Is Bad at Feelings, Lee Minho | Lee Know Is So Cool, Light Angst, M/M, Seungmin craves love, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1ncognito/pseuds/1ncognito
Summary: Last spring, Minho and Seungmin happily agreed to marry each other, for the sake of not ending up lonely.This spring, Seungmin realizes just how lonely she's become.
Relationships: Kim Seungmin & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Kim Seungmin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 37
Kudos: 50





	1. we don't belong in the same puzzle.

**Author's Note:**

> hey you guys, i've been writing this story for so long. it was meant to be a oneshot ahaha, but i wasn't able to stop writing after binge watching 2min videos at 3 am. so this is where this was birthed i guess. 
> 
> i just want to address something. this story is gender bender due to the fact that i wanted their marriage to be perceived as a typical domestic male and female relationship, so that i can break down societies norms and expectations of a woman in a relationship. i hope that makes sense and is okay. 
> 
> please comment or leave kudos and tell me what you thought!

Being with Minho for the last few months had been an experience that Seungmin didn't ever imagine having in her life. Marriage was often perceived as a sacred bond that tied two people together, a connection of heart and mind. With Minho, it's not that marriage wasn't as important as others described it, but it was so much different, so much less. To be fair, Seungmin had prepared herself for this type of relationship between the two of them since the start, however, she couldn't help but admit that she was underwhelmed.

The decision to marry Minho might have been rash, such as to the fact that her parents were moving to a foreign country, and wanted to see her married before they left. She was a hardworking and employed adult so she decided that it wouldn't be too out of the blue to consider marriage. Then her parents brought around Minho, the son of a close friend of theirs. Seungmin met with Minho a few times, he was kind and seemed to have the same morals as Seungmin, to have a family one day, so she agreed upon marrying him. Minho didn't seem to be the type to have any interest in love, neither did Seungmin. Both of them had dated a few people in the past, however had zero luck with love, hence they decided to settle on each other. They got along plenty fine and Seungmin was content going into their marriage.

However, it had been 8 months since their wedding and since her parents moved to Singapore. Seungmin was beginning to become lonely. Sure, Minho was always there, well after his work ended, and there was always their two cats, but Seungmin felt empty. Going into this marriage, she figured she could handle a loveless relationship, however as time went on, she began to realize that Minho was clearly not in love with her. Sure, he was caring, kind, and always did his best to make sure that she was happy, and it was not even his responsibility to love her, but would it be wrong to crave love? The two of them were hardly friends in her perspective, they were more of acquaintances. Minho spent the same amount of time with her every day, doing the exact same thing. They come home from work, ate dinner, watched TV in silence, and then went to bed. There was nothing that ever changed in their lives.

Seungmin was beginning to hate it. She'd wake up much before Minho, prepare breakfast, go to work, finish work, pick up their cats from the pet sitter, and then come home early to prepare dinner for Minho and her. It was the same old thing. He'd ask for the same type of coffee every single night after dinner, and she'd prepare it in the same type of way every single night.

Sometimes she'd turn her head towards him, waiting for him to say something different than the day before, however, he never would. It seemed that they were only here to keep the other from becoming lonely. However, despite always having someone with her, Seungmin was alone.

She was all alone in the morning when she'd wake up extra early to prepare the same scrambled eggs that she did every day. She was alone while she waited for the kettle to whistle, signaling that the water had been boiled. She was alone when she'd iron and set out Minho's work clothes for him. She was alone when setting out their cat's bowls. She was alone as she made her way to work. She was alone while working, checking her phone every hour to see if Minho had messaged her. She was alone when she'd come home with their cats. She was alone when she would prepare Minho's favorite dish for dinner. She was alone as she ate dinner with his silence filling the room. She was alone as she watched him drink the coffee that she had made for him.

She was alone as she watched him slowly doze off into a deep sleep.

She was alone as she'd repeat the same thing over and over.

And then the weekend came. Which she disliked the most since she would have to spend all of her time with Minho. It wasn't that she didn't like spending time with him, it was the fact that she enjoyed it a little too much. Even a small smile from him or the way his hand would brush against hers would leave her wanting more.

The both of them had agreed on having a relationship like this, but it was normal to crave love was it not? Not that she expected him to be in love with her but, even a few loving actions would do. Minho would hardly even touch her unless it was necessary. And although they were comfortable with each other, Seungmin wondered if Minho thought that she didn't trust him.

However, Seungmin had to prepare herself to spend the rest of her life like this. Despite it driving her insane.

It was a typical Sunday, Minho sat outside on the balcony of their three-bedroom apartment, as Seungmin sat on the couch in front of the sliding doors, playing with their cat. They had two cats, both were Minho's before Seungmin came along. She figured he was quite a cat lover, and although she wasn't too fond of having a cat, she agreed to keep both of them. Seungmin had instantly fallen in love with both of them, especially Penelope. She was a soft white colour with light peach on the tip of her fur. Seungmin had grown close to her because she was only two months old when Seungmin had met her. Minho had gotten her two weeks before their marriage, so just like Penelope, Seungmin was new to Minho and his cat's life. She likes to think that the two of them grew into this family together.

"Seungmin."

Minho interrupted Seungmin's playful quarrel with Penelope, as she turned to him in an instant, ready to serve him for whatever he desired.

"Should we go out?"

His voice was smoother than butter. Seungmin wondered how he could keep such a calm and collect presence at all hours.

Her heart began hurting at his sudden request to go out. She wondered for a moment, before responding if it was to run some sort of errands. She wondered if it was worth it to answer, to have her heart broken again by the simplicity of their relationship. However, Seungmin got into this relationship making the promise to herself that she would never deny or reject Minho, as he never denies or rejects her. The only problem is, Seungmin never asks for anything because she fears she will say what she truly wants and will make a mess out of her life.

"Sure," she stood up, removing Penelope from her lap and placing her on the mundane yellow sofa below her, "let me just fix up my hair."

Minho nodded, without removing his eyes from the magazine in his hand, as she stood up and made her way to their bedroom.

Seungmin came back as quickly as she could, trying to style her hair properly. It wasn't that Seungmin tried to look pretty for Minho, she didn't believe that you should only take care of yourself for a man. She just didn't feel motivated to try sometimes, because it just felt so hopeless, no one was going to appreciate her anyways.

As she slipped her shoes on by the front door, Minho stood waiting for her. There was silence, like always. Seungmin hated it, like always.

It's crazy how even though you're with someone, you can feel so lonely.

"You know Seungmin," he began, "your hair looked just fine before too. I don't think you needed to change it. It looked pretty."

Seungmin stopped in her tracks. Pretty, it was as if she had unlocked a new word with Minho. He had never said that in front of her before, or even addressed her like that. Pretty, she always wanted to be.

Seungmin hated his anticlimactic words. She hated this feeling inside of her.

She hated that feeling of wanting to lean over and wrap her arms around Minho's larger and toned frame. She hated that she wanted to hear him whisper the word "pretty" over and over until her ears finally got sick of hearing it. She could hardly place her finger on this feeling, but it twisted her guts round and round to the point where she felt like throwing up.

"Thank you," she gave him a small smile, concealing all the desire to be held and loved behind her words.

Seungmin had recently begun feeling this way. She didn't know what it was or why it was so painful, but all she knew was that she had to get away from Minho as soon as possible. Or else who knew what she'd do.

Who knew what she would do, when he'd return her smile with an even wider one. When he'd reach his hand past her to grab the keys and all she wanted to do was hold onto his firm and strong hand. Who knew what she'd do. When all of him belonged to her, yet none of it mattered.

**-**

Turns out Minho didn't have as grand or as low intentions as Seungmin expected. They took a small walk around the neighborhood, in silence. It was almost springtime, the weather was fresh and posh, just the way Seungmin liked it. The flowers were beginning to rebloom, the clouds were clearing away, it was like a fresh start for everything. Seungmin remembers last spring, when Minho and her had gotten married. She wonders if there could ever be a fresh start to that. Perhaps she wouldn't have acted to careless when it came to relationships, then perhaps they would have been in a different situation today.

Seungmin watched Minho as they walked, he had the most blank but cautious look in his eyes. She wondered if he was ever bothered by the obvious distance between them. Both physically and mentally. As much as they seemed like the perfect puzzle that fit together to create a picture, there's puzzle pieces didn't even belong in the same puzzle. Seungmin's hand desired Minho's, however she was sure that he didn't feel the same way.

There was silence between them, and while that silence used to make Seungmin comfortable, it now made her restless. It's like every second she was waiting for him to say something.

However, she had to get herself together. This was becoming overwhelming, she had to remind herself that that wasn't them. Her sole purpose was to make sure he wasn't lonely, and she was going to do everything to make sure that happened.

"Uh, Minho, can we go to the convenience store? I want to pick up some chips, if thats fine?"

Minho turned to her, seemed a little startled by her voice, and nodded. "Yeah, sure, I'll wait outside though, my head is kind of hurting."

Seungmin wanted to frown at this. He wouldn't even walk into a store with her, and they were supposedly connected to each other. At a moment like this, her eyes traveled to the beautiful band around her finger. Although it was worth so much, it was clearly worth nothing. At least not to Minho.

She ended up going to the convenience store alone. She came out with chips and Minho's favorite coffee, for him of course.

"Nah," he shook his head, turning his eyes away from her, "I don't want it, it'll make my head hurt." He then walked away from her, towards the other side of the road, leaving Seungmin alone.

Seungmin's heart began hurting.

She chased him, to catch up to him.


	2. our endless cycle of insanity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i DIDN'T expect so many people to read and comment on this fic ahaha. i thought no one would. thats why im posting the next chapter so quick bc im so excited for you guys to read it. thank you for all the good feedback i love you all so much and appreciate the love towards this fic, you all make me crazy happy.
> 
> also in this story i've made minho taller than seungmin bc girls are usually shorter than boys(not always the case) but ive just minused seungmin by a few centimeters and thats just how my brain works ahaha. so i hope makes sense 2 u all (?)
> 
> anyways i had to write more for this chapter today bc the part i had planned to upload was just one scene, so i went and wrote a little extra so that you guys have a bit more to read. 
> 
> anyways lets get into todays dose of slow burn 2min!!! if you enjoy please leave a comment i'd love to chat <3

In Seungmin's unfortunate case, she often wondered if there was someone else. She tried not to, hoping that she could trust Minho's intentions towards their marriage, and opinions of love. But Seungmin was beginning to understand something she was a little too foolish and unexperienced to understand before marrying Minho, that human beings craved love. It was something they latched onto, affection from others.

It's not that Seungmin and Minho didn't have people in the world who loved them, but it was much different than how it had been before they were married. Before Seungmin had even considered Minho or her parents proposal, she was free to roam to whichever bed or heart she wanted next. The moment she felt attraction towards another man, she would find herself entangled with him. The easy part of it all was that none of them expected the other to feel a thing. Even short relationships of hers didn't last long, because she was simply not seeking love or permanent affection.

However, being married was much different. Marriage was devotion, and she never understood that until now. If Seungmin was having a hard time comprehending her relationship with Minho, she was unable to get up and walk into the arms of another man, because Minho was her husband, she was devoted to him in this never-ending cycle of insanity.

Seungmin was unsure about Minho though. As much as she felt she knew about him, she also felt like she knew nothing at all. How was it possible to spend almost the entire day with a person for almost an entire year and still feel that they were so distant from you?

So when she thought about Minho's feelings towards love, she wondered if it was because he didn't believe in love at all. In the sense that he was more willing to mess around and have small flings, rather than to stay dedicated to one person.

Seungmin knew herself. She knew she'd had tragic relationships with bad breakups and sorrowful endings, which demeaned her perspective on finding someone to love. She'd always been left alone at the end of most of her relationships, wondering if she was even good enough for the man that she let into her heart. Hence she was unable to have a proper view on love anymore, knowing that love only existed to inflict confusion and agony to our minds.

However she wondered if Minho was like that from the get-go. If he enjoyed messing around rather than settling from the very beginning. Hence, she feared the factor of their being another girl or possibly even multiple girls that he'd have on the side.

Seungmin didn't come into this relationship expecting love, but she did come into expecting devotion and trust. She knows Minho doesn't expect love either, but what are his true morals in this relationship? How much of her husband does he consider himself to be? And what does the word "husband", even mean in to him?

Seungmin had a billion questions consuming her mind as she watched him move back and fourth in their bedroom, grabbing things and moving them to the side.

He had just stepped out the shower, towel wrapped around his waist as he searched every drawer for a certain item. She wondered what he was looking for and why he hadn't asked her yet. If she was to be honest, she was kind of ticked that he was making a big mess of their dresser, instead of simply asking her.

"Seungmin," he turned to her look at her, who sat on their bed patiently watching him. His breath was heavy from the frustration of searching the room, "do you know where the files that I was working on last night are? I've been looking for them and my coworker is on my tail, she needs them instantly."

Finally, she thought.

He seemed panicked, so Seungmin took a deep sigh and walked over to him. She took one good look at him, body still glistening from the water that laid as a wet layer on his chest. Hair practically still dripping wet, eyebrows scrunched up together in worry. From one good look, she wondered how Minho didn't crave love or affection. Or how he didn't have someone else. Because she doubts anyone could ever keep their eyes off of him.

She frowned at the thought of her husband eyeing another woman, or vise versa, and stepped towards the file cabinet that stood tall beside his desk, opening the third metal drawer and pulling out a bright orange file, "here," she handed it to him.

The look of worry wiped off his face, into an instant smile. Seungmin took one good look at him and decided that she wanted to see him smile over and over again. "Thank you," he reached over, letting his hand linger over hers.

Seungmin's breath caught in her throat. She mustered up the courage to nod as her eyes were mesmerized by the sight in front of her, the sight that was Lee Minho. She could hardly believe that someone like him was her husband. Seungmin gulped, she didn't deserve him.

"You know Seungmin, without you," he paused, wide smile and bright eyes as he peered at her, "I think I'd be a lost cause," he laughed, as if he was genuine.

For a second Seungmin was convinced that perhaps he was genuine. She gave him a small smile back, about to convince him that he wasn't that bad without her, although they both knew how much he depended on her. But then her smile was replaced with a frown, as the sound of the phone drummed through her ears. It laid on the dresser in front of them, she looked over, the picture of a pretty woman with dark hair and large eyes covered Minho's screen. He took his hand off of hers, and reached for his phone.

"Oh, it's my coworker," he turned and began walking towards the door of their room. Before walking out and picking up the phone, he turned back to her and mouthed a quick, "thank you".

Seungmin knew it now. Minho was driving her insane.

She gulped, praying that there wasn't someone else. That Minho would hopefully keep being dependent on her for the rest of their lives, so that she felt like she at least had some sort of importance in his life. 

**-**

Did he not want her? She wondered that a few nights later. He had been lying beside her for the past 20 minutes, clearly awake, but not saying a word. Did he have no interest in speaking to her? Was she not pretty enough for his attention? Or was she just boring?

Seungmin knew she wasn't the best at being herself around Minho. With her friends she was definitely more lively and witty, but it didn't feel appropriate to behave that way with Minho. She'd seen him with his friends, he was practically the same, except he obviously spoke more, as well as laughed more.

So that lead Seungmin to conclude once again, that Minho simply didn't care about her much. Not in the way where he didn't care about her, which he did. When she was sick or visibly upset, he'd try to make her feel better. He'd care about her day to day work, or how she was doing. However, when it came to her as a personality, as a whole, he didn't care much. Didn't care to talk to her or joke around with her or become comfortable with her. And yes, they were comfortable, but to the extent that two strangers are comfortable. A husband and wife should be much different than this, and Seungmin knew not to push it, but she couldn't help herself.

Seungmin slowly turned her body to face his direction. She could see his eyes follow her, from the corner of his eyes, but then he turned them away. "Minho," she reached forward and grabbed onto his arm.

He looked alarmed, eyes instantly turning back to her. "Huh, yeah, something wrong?"

Why did he assume that she only needed him when something was wrong. Perhaps she needed him when nothing was wrong. "Um, nothing is wrong," she shook her head and slowly moved her hand higher up his arm. She could feel the tight flesh under her, which made it hard to deny how well toned and built he was. "It's just that,"

She ran her thin fingers up and down his arm, the cloth of his black t-shirt occasionally getting caught in her nails. It had been 8 months since they had been married, and this was the most and lonest that they had touched each other. It had hardly been a minute, but every second went on for so long as she anticipated Minho shoving her hand off of his arm. However he didn't, he let it rest there as his eyes followed it's motion.

She hardly knew what to say next. This wasn't the reaction that she had expected.

"Seungmin." His tone was determined, almost scaring her a little. "Is something wrong?" He reached over and hovered his hand over her wrist, before pulling it away.

Disappointment blew up as fireworks in Seungmin's eyes. Was it that he wanted to touch her? Was he just about to but didn't? Why didn't he? She wouldn't have minded.

"Um," she hesitated. Seungmin wanted to say so much, but she didn't want to sound desperate. However, she was desperate. So much more desperate than anyone could imagine. She wanted to feel loved, wanted to feel wanted, wanted to feel whole. Instead she felt like she wasn't enough. And maybe that was the truth, maybe she wasn't enough for him.

Her hand instantly stopped as the thought hit her, that maybe she was unworthy of anything from him. "Nevermind," she abruptly pulled her hand away and turned her body to face the other way, it was not worth trying to explain the way she was feeling to Minho.

There was silence, he laid there, doing nothing for a moment. A few minutes later the bed began moving, and Seungmin wondered if he was going to leave the room as she buried herself in comforter, ashamed of herself for even trying to be intimate with him.

To her surprise, she felt his firm hand against her stomach as his arm slipped around her waist. Sure, they had hugged a few times before, but it was never like this. It was never for no reason. It was never in this position.

Seungmin wished that the ground would open up and sallow her. Because she couldn't manage herself at this moment. Her self control was hanging by a thread as her heartbeat quickened. There was a twist in her stomach and she felt like hurling her dinner out at the thought of Minho's strong frame being wrapped around her. What was this feeling? She didn't want any of it.

"I don't know what that was about, but I hope you're okay."

Minho was so warm. He was the type of warm that wasn't too much to handle, but just the right amount. The weight of his arm around her thin waist wasn't too heavy or uncomfortable, it was just the right amount, causing no burden. She shut her eyes, wondering what it would be like to fall asleep like this or to wake up like this.

"I'm fine," she managed to squeak out, hardly able to breathe. She wondered if he could hear her heavy breathing, or knew how fast her heart was beating. The feeling of his hand against her stomach and shirt was almost too much to handle, she couldn't do this anymore. It was overwhelming.

Minho almost seemed to read her mind, because he began shifted a little up, as if he was about move away, hand still wrapped around her. However, he simply leaned up and pressed a warm kiss on the top of her head. "I don't know what's wrong but," he stopped for a moment, hand lingering in Seungmin's hair, "it's okay if you don't feel comfortable saying it. I just hope you feel better."

How Seungmin wished to feel his lips against hers. How she wished to turned around and grip tightly onto the front of his shirt and kiss him till her mouth bled. However, she couldn't. Her knees grew into jelly as he finally moved away and laid towards his side of the bed.

Every single day and night with Minho was the same exact thing over and over. Seungmin could hardly handle it. However, tonight was so much different. He'd finally done something towards her that indicated a change. He had touched her, even if it was for a small moment, it still happened.

Seungmin could hardly handle the change in their endless cycle of unspoken words and lingering touches.


	3. the remains of an unrequited love and evenings beers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys im so sorry ive been trying to update all week but ive been so busy.
> 
> anyways this is my favorite chapter in this entire story. im so fricking excited for all you lovely's to read it. please comment down below your thoughts id love to chat. once again, appreciate all the love and support, you all make me so happy. <33
> 
> umm theres drinking in this chapter. either way im hoping you're over like 16 if youre reading this fic ahaha.

Seungmin wondered why her heart even existed. When no one was going to make use of it, what was the point of it even being around? The only thing it did was cause her pain and suffering.

She felt her heart tighten and lungs suffocate as she watched Minho, happily conversing with his friends. He seemed so much different than usual, he seemed sincerely happy. It looked like he had been lost for so long, and had finally found his place.

Seungmin was happy for him, she was happy that after the stress of a long week he'd have his friends by his side as he conversed with them and finally got to let loose a little bit. Seungmin wondered if Minho was too uptight with her, he always acted like they had to live this organized life that couldn't be moved in any other way. She knew he did that for her sake, since she had mentioned to him before their wedding that she enjoyed a confirmed lifestyle with not too many risks. However, their lives were becoming too ordinary. There was almost nothing to it.

It was as if they were existing, but not living.

Seungmin couldn't help but be upset. She knew Minho was the type who liked to take big risks and enjoy every moment to the fullest, so she couldn't help but feel like she was holding him back. Sitting here like this, with him and his friends, she couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't the type of person who was supposed to marry someone like her. She couldn't help but think that she didn't make him happy.

Seungmin tried her best. She'd iron his clothes when possible, she'd make his favorite dishes for dinner, and she'd take good care of him when he was sick or down. She'd support him with every little or big decision he would make. However, she still felt empty inside. Like she wasn't giving him enough, or that he wasn't happy with what she had given.

"Seungmin, do you want some more? You've been holding that empty can for 10 minutes now."

Seungmin's eyes turned to the voice that called her name, none other than Chan, Minho's very sweet and welcoming friend. When Seungmin first married Minho, Chan was his first friend that she had become acquainted with. He was super sweet and didn't act weird around her, like most of Minho's friends did in the start. From his words, she realized that she _had_ been sitting there gripping tightly onto her can of beer, she couldn't help herself, she had a lot to think about.

Seungmin nodded with a small smile, "um, yeah, sure."

As she grabbed the new can from Chan, her eyes grazed by Minho's. He was staring right at her, with a concerned expression. His eyes focused on her as she popped open the can and took another sip. The once bright smile was now wiped off his face and replaced with a look of worry.

Gosh, she had done it again. She had ruined his life again.

"Sure you're okay Seungmin? You seem kind of lost in thought." Changbin, Minho's coworker, spoke. Playing his hand on her shoulder, in a comforting manner.

Seungmin turned to him and shook her head, "no, uh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about work." She bluntly lied.

Changbin nodded, "that's fine," he squeezed her shoulder, "make sure to not get to worked up over work, it's just work at the end of the day, it's not worth it to worry that much."

"Got it," Seungmin nodded and smiled at him, "thanks Changbin, uh," she stood up, his hand falling off her arm, "I'll go see if the barbeque is done."

She slipped away from the back of the living room, onto the balcony with the grill. She lifted the cover of the grill, trying to contain her emotions as the sound of Minho's now resumed laugher filled the room, as soon as she had left the room. For a second there, she had wondered if he was worried about her, if he was going to say something and finally make her spit out the feelings being buried inside of her.

Her eyes became blurred as she stared down at the various types of meat that omitted smoke, directly into her face. She could hardly see, as her hands shook and grabbed onto the spatula that she had been using to flip the meat. She quickly flipped it and shut the cover, taking a deep breath of fresh air. 

Her heart felt heavy, and so did her throat. She assumed it was the beer. Seungmin usually didn't mind drinking a little, especially not beer, but tonight she was overwhelmingly tipsy, to the point where she felt like she had no control over her body.

Even when she wasn't drunk, Seungmin was convinced that she had no more control over her body and mind.

Seungmin blew her cheeks in and out, taking in the early spring nights rough nights air. She couldn't go back yet, or else she's sure she'd do something that her mind had no control over. To be fair, her heart was hurting more than usual. It was squeezing tight inside of her, hurting her from her ribs below.

A heart like hers wasn't worth it, or she didn't think it was. She didn't think she was even worth loving, so then why did she crave love so badly. It was awful, her own mind was becoming her enemy.

Her heart spiked up in pain, she clutched it. Gosh, it had never heart like this before. Before this moment, her life had been so simple. Her relationship with Minho was simple, however it had become too simple. Was it wrong to want more from her husband, she felt so selfish. For even asking for love from him. Minho was perfect, he was admittingly very handsome but at the same time the most tenderhearted person she had met in her life. He was so simple, someone who could easily be loved by so many people. He was someone who deserved a wife that would make him happy, a wife who could take care of all his needs, a wife who would live with him as one, not as two separate pieces.

He didn't deserve someone like her. Who was so complex and caught up in her own head, to the point where she couldn't figure herself or anyone around her out.

Tears grew at the edge of her eyes as the thought began consuming her. That this marriage, no matter what happened between the two of them, would stay a hopeless one.

She heard footsteps by the sliding glass door of the balcony. Quickly wiping away the tears from her eyes, she turned back to the grill.

"Seungmin."

That voice again. It was soft and gentle and sweet and did wonders to Seungmin's mind. It polluted it with black ink once again, as she tried her hardest to keep her eyes focused on the cover of the grill. But there was nothing to see, what was she supposed to be focused on?

"Hey," that similar yet so distant hand placed itself on her shoulder, "I don't know what happened back there but, you're worrying me."

Worry him? She didn't want to do that. She wanted to see him happy. She couldn't believe it, she was failing at the only thing she thought she was good at, being his wife.

She wasn't good at anything.

Especially hiding her emotions.

"Minho, I'm fine," she mumbled, reaching her hand over to grab the spatula again. "You don't need to worry."

Before she could grab the spatula, his free hand gripped tightly onto her wrist, as if he was stopping her. She turned her head to him slowly, fear building up in her eyes. Not because he had touched her in such a harsh way, she wanted to be touched by him. But instead, the fear that he wouldn't leave her alone until she told him the truth. Until he made her spit out all the feelings that weighed down on her heart, making it heavy.

"Seungmin," his tone was low and more firm than usual. He looked straight into her hazed and confused eyes, faces closer than they had ever been. He gulped, her eyes traced his Adams apple, "you need to stop hiding your feelings from me. If something is wrong, tell me," he leaned closer, and she didn't even think he could get any closer, "please."

Hearing him plead awoke something inside of her that she didn't know existed. The odd feeling that had consumed her heart for the last month had finally clicked in her mind.

She was afraid. Not of him, but of herself. How could she? How dare she? They were supposed to be peaceful and casual together, however there was chaos raining inside her brain.

How could she tell him what was wrong? There was so much, so much that she didn't even know how to say. Would he even be able to fix it?

Seungmin was so caught up trying to be the perfect wife for Minho, that she had forgotten that he was her husband. That he had responsibilities and words to live up to too. However if she was to be honest, she didn't expect anything from him. Just having him here, right beside her, holding onto her, was enough for her.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me," she whispered, voice hardly coming out. Her eyes became glossy, she couldn't figure out why. Her vision was blurred as she gazed into his chocolate brown paradise. The thought crossed her mind, that she was luckiest girl in the world to have him.

At the sudden realization of her thoughts, she wanted to throw up. How could she be foolish enough to feel so deeply for someone? Her entire life had been spent not caring much about emotions or attraction, however Minho had somehow changed her. The only reason she married Minho was because she didn't care about ever finding the love of her life.

"You're my wife, it's my job to worry about you."

And now she's realized that perhaps by marrying Minho she has also stopped him from finding the love of his life. Some girl out there, who Seungmin is sure could make him the happiest man alive. Some girl who he'd actually have interest in. Some girl he wouldn't mind being close to.

The blurriness in her eyes grew when he snaked his hand up her wrist and right into the gaps of her fingers. The heart inside of her chest grew heavier, like someone had placed a dozen heavy books on it. The bulge in her throat grew larger. She felt like she needed to pull away, needed to gasp desperately for air.

"Seungmin…you're so distant these days..."

His eyes, they were so gentle. His words, they were so soft. The way her name spilled off of his tongue, it was so mesmerizing. She wanted to hear him say her name like that over and over again.

"Please, just tell me what you need, I'll give anything to make you smile again."

Gosh, did he not understand. She needed him. So desperately. The way a fish needs water or the way a flower needs the sun, she needed him. So badly to the point where it all began hurting. Sure, she had him, somewhat, but at the same time it felt like she had none of him. She just needed him to fill the emptiness inside her mind and body.

She shouldn't have said that, it broke her. Seungmin knew it now, she couldn't do this anymore.

"Please stay away," she gasped, her body swiftly moving out of his grip, "I need space," she cried.

There was a look on his face, one she'd never seen before. It wasn't anger. It was confusion mixed with shock. He seemed astonished at her actions. She could hardly look into his eyes without feeling shame.

She needed space. So much space from him. She needed to be on the other side of the world from him, and thats when her heart would finally be at ease. She wanted him so close, that she had to push him away in order to survive. To be able to collect her thoughts again.

He sighed, she watched the midnight air leave his pink lips, "okay. Got it."

Just like that he left. Left her alone on the balcony to deal with the aftermath of his actions. Her eyes traveled to her wrist, where his hand once laid. There was an uncomfortable feeling, like something was missing from there, a cold spot on her burning up body. She reached down and touched her wrist.

She could hardly even cry, hardly even breath. Her eyes were stinging and her lungs were closing up. With one big breath she turned back to the grill and lifted the cover, quickly placing the barbequed meat into a tray beside her and brought it inside, serving everyone.

For the rest of the night she stayed silent, didn't say much at all. Only downed herself in a few beers and ignored Minho's obvious eyes.

**-**

Minho's friends had left. It had been a few hours. Seungmin hadn't left the living room yet. She sat there, hand over her heart, trying to pace her heart beat.

It had been a few hours, Minho had left to drop Jeongin off. It had been a few hours, he hadn't come back yet.

It had been a few hours, Seungmin was losing herself.

She held herself tight, wondering what she did wrong? Where he was or how he was doing or if he was ever even going to comeback. He hadn't responded to any of her text messages or calls, she could feel herself slowly drifting away. Her mind and body were barley in tact.

She knows she said needed space, but she couldn't loose him. No, it would break all of her to loose him. Ever since her family left, he was the only person she had left. He was her only anchor.

The door popped open a few hours later, her eyes frantically met his tired ones as she stood up and made her way over to him. Without second thought she reached over and wrapped her arms around his neck.

The feeling inside her chest and stomach were disgusting. It was disgusting that she didn't care where he'd been or what he'd done, she was just happy that he was back. She couldn't hold herself back anymore, she needed his warmth in her arms.

"Seungmin," his gentle tone grazed softly over her ear, "Seungmin," he pleaded again for her to give him a reaction. Any sign that she was okay. Any sign that they were okay.

She could feel her arms and body shaking, so without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her. They stood there, in the middle of the doorway, wrapped in each others arms.

She wanted to ask where he was or what he'd done or why he didn't respond to her calls, but she couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to speak. Her head rested on his chest, it was warm, she wanted to stay there forever.

A few minutes had passed, they stayed like that. And everytime his mouth opened and it seemed like he was going to speak up, he simply shut his mouth again and pulled her closer to him.

However he finally spoke up, when she seemed to be breathing properly again. She was still shaking, but not as much as before.

"Listen, Seungmin, it's not what you think," he pulled away, forcing her to look directly into his eyes, "I'm not mad at you and I didn't try to leave you. It's just-"

She looked into his empty eyes, they seemed tired and droopy. Like he had had enough of today and was ready to go to sleep. His fact looked weary and skin looked rough. She frowned at that, removed her hands from the back of his neck, and grabbed onto his face, "a-are you okay? You look so ti-tired."

Minho nodded and bit his lower lip, she gulped at this. "Yeah, but I'm so sorry. My cars tire flattened during the ride and I had to call a guy to fix it, he took forever to come. I wanted to call you but my phone had died and Jeongin forgot his phone at home, and I feel so awful because you were probably so worried and I-"

"It's fine."

He was cut off by Seungmin shaking her head. He didn't know what to say, could only look into her eyes. She gave him a small smile, her heart beating faster than it had ever. She was just happy to have him in her arms. She doesn't think she could handle losing him. "It's okay," she ran her thumb over his pale cheek, "I'm just happy you're safe, and here with me."

In this moment, another spark lit up in Seungmin. The way he was looking at her, she could hardly handle it. He had never looked at her with so much love and care before. She almost wanted to keep it like this forever. She almost wanted to keep him with her forever.

He smiled back at her. His smile was so precious to her. It was charming but embedded with warmth and comfort. She wanted to lean up and press her lips against it, letting his once loving smile melt into her lips.

"I'm just happy that you aren't upset," he leaned down, their foreheads brushing against each other. "I don't know what made you upset earlier, but I just want you to know that I'm willing to give you all the space you need."

Space? Between Minho and her? Simply the thought of putting space between them right now, disgusted her. She wanted to hold him forever, didn't want him to turn away or to anyone else.

He was so loving. So caring and kind. He caused her stomach to twist and turn in ways she didn't know was possible. Just at the thought of him being with her created an overwhelming air bubble in her throat.

She was so caught up in him. Perhaps it was beers she had previously downed that influenced her next move, but she couldn't hold herself back anymore. He was so precious to her. Someone she wanted to shelter in her arms forever.

So she kissed him. It wasn't a soft peck like most first kisses are. It was a gentle but passionate kiss. Seungmin's red lips latched onto his the way a sailor latches onto the few synchronized waves, through the chaotic storm.

She latched onto him for air, for she was suffocating without his lips against hers.

With no hesitation, he kissed her back. His kiss was soft and peaceful, putting her mind to ease in the chaotic storms of her heart. The taste of raspberry beer emerged with fresh mint as their lips folded into into each other, not sparing even the tiniest gap between them.

They both pulled back at the same time, her hands gripped tightly at his dark brown hair. She admired all that was in front of her. The human being which was Lee Minho. He was endearing, had character, and was absolutely breath taking. His pupils were large and black as they gazed over his chocolate brown eyes. His eyes were sharp and determined. His hands were large and firm, the type that could make you feel like you were safe from every adversity. In his arms any human being would feel like their in the arms of some knight or solider, like the whole world was being shut off.

Seungmin couldn't keep this locked inside of her heart anymore. Her head was spinning and heart was aching and world was turning and gosh although she tried so hard to ignore the twists and turns inside of her stomach, but she couldn't anymore.

She was utterly and madly in love with Minho.

The man she agreed to marry only for the sake of not getting lonely. The man she agreed to marry because she feared that she would never find love in this world. The man she married because she didn't want to find love in this world. The man she married because she only needed company, nothing else. The man she married because they were okay with being strangers, not lovers.

Minho wasn't okay with being her lover, it was clear.

It had finally hit her. It hurt. Every single bit of the realization broke into shards and stabbed into different areas of her mind. It was bleeding out all the regret and self loathing that she had built up over the past few weeks. There was a hollowness in her mind. Her eyes twitched as wet tears tickled them.

This was it, she'd made the worst mistake anyone could have ever made. Seungmin wasn't supposed to care about love. Love was a word used as an excuse to hurt others and yourself. Love was painful and weary and unwanted and gosh Seungmin knew there was no turning back, so she couldn't help but hate herself for this.

Love was disgusting. Her face scrunched up in disgust. Her head was throbbing and eyes were blurring and heart was spinning and stomach was curling and before she knew it, she was running out of Minho's arms and barging straight into the washroom, before throwing up the remains of an unrequited love and evenings beers.

She felt disgusted by her actions. Her actions and temptations of love. By her weak guts and unwillingness to try to be happy for once in her life. She didn't believe it, she didn't deserve happiness.

As she threw up again at the thought of his bright smile or alluring eyes, his hand snaked up around her waist, and held her close.

She sobbed loudly. She couldn't believe that he was even holding someone like her this close. Someone who was unworthy of love and emotions and care. She was disgusting, couldn't even hold herself together anymore.

She felt her lungs tightening as it hit her over and over, that she was completely torn apart at the seams. That there was no going back no matter how hard she tried. Her entire life was going to be an endless cycle of a miscommunicated relationship with Minho, and she wasn't ready for that. She realized her mistake, it was marrying Minho. She should have never settled for a loveless relationship.

Human beings can't help themselves. They desire and crave love. Everyone does it.

Seungmin agreed to never do it. But here she was, sobbing in the arms of the man she loved so dearly that she would give up anything for him. She loved him so willingly that she didn't mind if he hurt her over and over, she'd come running back every single time. She loved him so desperately that even the thought of spending a day without him suffocated her.

"Seungmin," his voice was filled with panic as he held her frail body in his arms, "are you okay?"

She felt his hands reach up to her face and grab her damp chin. She tried to compose herself and look into his worried eyes, but upon the sight of them, she threw her head back into the toilet bowl and let body reject all the emotions inside of her.

She wasn't okay. She was in love with him.


End file.
